Thanks to Andrew Cameron, without him, I couldn't have finished this one.

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]

MR. GARRISON: You see kids, Joey was what is referred to as "bi-curious".

[Kyle puts his hand up.]

MR. GARRISON: Yes Kyle?

KYLE: What does that mean?

[Mr. Garrison takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.]

MR. GARRISON: You see, children--

[Mr. Hat whispers something to Mr. Garrison.]

MR. GARRISON: OK then, Mr. Hat, you can tell them.

MR. HAT: Well kids, Joey liked girls, just like anyone else.

KYLE: I don't like girls Mr. Garrison!

MR. GARRISON: Well you should you little poopie-poker! You may now continue, Mr. Hat.

MR. HAT: But Joey ALSO thought he liked men.

STAN: But we're all friends, we like each other, and we're men!

MR. GARRISON: I think Mr. Hat means sexua--

CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, I need to go to the bathroom.

MR. GARRISON: Well, Eric, you can wait until the lesson is over, and go down on the bell.

[Mr. Garrison starts laughing his head off.]

MR. GARRISON: Go down on the bell! HAHAHA! Go down....ON THE BELL!!! HAHAHA!!!

[The class stares at him. Principal Victoria walks into the classroom.]

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Mr. Garrison, I have some disturbing news for you and your class.

CARTMAN: Oh, what's it going to be this time? A quarter is missing? A book is missing?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: A pupil is MISSING!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, that's terrible, isn't it Mr. Hat?

[Mr. Hat is nowhere to be seen.]

MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat???

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: I don't mean to alarm anyone but the pupil's name is Clyde.

[The class all gasp except for Cartman.]

CARTMAN: That's OK, I didn't really like Clyde.

KYLE: That's not nice, Cartman!

STAN: Yeah dude, Clyde was always nice to you, he was an innocent, and he never made any comments about your butt eclipsing the sun!

CARTMAN: AY!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: It seems that he was out on a mountain trek, and he got separated from the group.  Because of this, the school, in all it's great responsibility and sensible knowledge, is going to send all of you kids on a search party to find him!

CARTMAN: WHAT?!?!?!?

STAN: Dude, they can't do that! That's irresponsible.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Mr. Garrison will be coming with you, and--

KYLE: Do we not have a choice?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Of course you have a choice! You can either come with us up to the top of Mt. Rectum...

[Laughter]

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: ...or you can stay here with another teacher and do math!

STAN: No way dude, I'm going to help Clyde!

KYLE: Yeah, me too!

KENNY: {Let's climb that fucking mountain!}

KYLE: You said it Kenny!

CARTMAN: Math ain't so bad...

[Outside South Park Elementary]

Big line of kids.

KYLE: So you decided to come with us then?

CARTMAN: Yeah, I decided it was the right thing, morally, to do.

KYLE: No you didn't! You found out that Mr. Mackey was gonna teach you math on your own!

CARTMAN: Well can you blame me? I can't STAND that voice...mmkay?

[Laughter.]

[The SP bus pulls up, with some kids in it.]

MRS. CRABTREE (to kids in bus): GET OUT!!

[The kids get out.]

MRS. CRABTREE (to kids in line): GET IN!!

MR. GARRISON: Mrs. Crabtree, do you think you could be a little less noisy?

MRS. CRABTREE: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

MR. GARRISON: Umm...I said, er...dirt....is very...umm...soily!

MRS. CRABTREE: Well yes it certainly is!

MR. GARRISON: Phew!

[Bus drives away.]

[Bottom of Mt. Rectum]

MR. GARRISON: OK kids, this is - and I don't want any laughing - Mt. Rectum.

[Laughter.]

MR. GARRISON: I said no laughing dammit!

[Kids are silent.]

MR. GARRISON: I don't know what Clyde's problem is - I'd looooove to be lost in a rectum.

[Gasp from kids.]

[Mr. Garrison clears his throat.]

KYLE: Mr. Garrison, can we stop wasting time now, and go look for Clyde?

MR. GARRISON: Oh, Kyle, I suppose so.  I'm just going to the men's room.

STAN: OK dude, let's go!

SOME ADVENTURER GUY: Wait, kids!  You'll need your trusty backpack, filled with lots of goodies which I think you'll need up on THAT mountain there!

[Some Adventurer Guy hands over backpacks.]

STAN: Thanks dude!

KYLE: Great. Can we go now?

SOME ADVENTURER GUY: Yeah, sure kids. Remember to use the flares if you get lost!

KYLE: What?  You're not coming with us?

SOME ADVENTURER GUY: No, your school can't afford a supervisor. Have a great climb!

STAN: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!

[Mountain Path.]

[The 4 kids are alone, walking a winding and ascending path.]

CARTMAN: Oh, I can't wait to get home and eat some pie...

KENNY: {You fat fuck!}

CARTMAN: AY!  At least I can afford to eat, Kenny!  Not like you, you ghetto dwelling garbage eating piece of crap, living in your pisshole of a cardboard box you call a house!

KENNY: {You fat fuck!}

CARTMAN: AY!!

STAN: Quiet, dude! I think I can hear something.

CARTMAN: It sounds like....footsteps.

KYLE: I bet it's an armed robber!

CARTMAN: You have an over-active imagination!

KYLE: No, seriously! Used to happen all of the time in the old days.

CARTMAN: They're getting closer!

STAN: Dude! I can see it, sort of. Brown hat...blonde hair...bowtie...

KYLE: Pip?

[Pip appears from round the corner.]

PIP: Greetings, gentlemen. Top of the morning and all of that!

KYLE: Pip? What are you doing here?

PIP: Well, I appear to be lost as well.

CARTMAN: How come you're on your own?

PIP: Well, nobody seemed to want to form a group with me, or invite me into theirs, so I made one of my own. Unfortunately nobody wanted to--

CARTMAN: Yeah we get the idea, Pip. Now where did you come from?

PIP: Up there and to the left. You'll find I left my provisions up there while I went to find help...gentlemen?

[Cartman, Kenny, Stan and Kyle are nowhere to be seen.]

PIP: Oh blast.

[Kids are munching at Pip's provisions.]

CARTMAN (with mouth full): Well, kiiiiiiick ass!

KYLE: Yeah, a picnic!

KENNY: {Gimme some of that!}

CARTMAN: No, Kenny, you poor sonofabitch! Don't touch what you can't afford, Kenny!

STAN: Dude! Give Kenny some of your food!

CARTMAN: Kenny's not getting any of MY food. If you want to be charitable, then YOU can donate some of YOUR meal to Kenny!

STAN: Sorry, Kenny. Cartman's being really mean!

KYLE: But you're not getting any of my food.

STAN: Or mine. Sorry, Kenny dude.

KENNY: {Mean fuckers!}

STAN: But wait a minute, dude, we've only been lost for like one hour!

KYLE: So?

STAN: Well, we're not really lost - we just came from down there!

CARTMAN (with mouth full): So?

STAN: So why are we eating our provisions now?

[The other kids stop eating.]

KYLE: Dude, you don't seriously think we're actually here to look for Clyde, do you?

STAN (unsure): Er, no. Of course not!

(I [Cartman's Girl] take over.)

[Pip comes up again.]

PIP: Gentlemen, haven't you thought it through properly?

CARTMAN: What the hell are you talking about?

STAN: Dude! We could be lost on this damn mountain for God knows how long!

CARTMAN: We'll starve! Arrgggghhhhhh!!!!

KYLE: Calm down. We got to think here, now, what would Brian Boiantano do?

KENNY: {Yeah, what would Brian Bonito do?}

[There is a pause and silence.]

[Everyone looks at everyone.]

PIP: Well, how in the heck should we know that?! We're not a homosexual ice skater!

CARTMAN: Ay! Don't call the mighty Brian Bointano gay you French fag!

PIP: I get quiet disturbed when you call me that! You-

STAN: DUDES!

[Silence.]

PIP: You pig fucker.

[The four gasp and dramatic chord.]

CHORD: Bum bum bum!!!

STAN: Pip swears?! Whoa!

PIP: We're *supposed* to be looking for Clyde,

KYLE: Oh yeah, I knew I forgot something.

PIP: And I don't know about the rest of you dicks, but I'm going on with my own bag and stuff. Good bye.

[Pip leaves. All is quiet. The others follow.]

[Later that day....]

[The five boys are still walking through the dense forest. Kyle suddenly  stops and looks down.]

KYLE: Arrgghh!! QUICKSAND! QUICKSAND YOU GUYS!

STAN: Dude! Don't move!

[Stan grabs a nearby branch and holds it out to Kyle.]

STAN: GRAB IT, DUDE!

KYLE: I CAN'T REACH IT STAN!

KENNY: {Damn it!}

[Pip steps closer to the edge of the quicksand, grabs Cartman's hand to steady himself, grabs the stick out of Stan's hand and holds it out to Kyle.]

PIP: Grab it, Kyle!

KYLE: Closer, Pip!

PIP: Eric! Grab onto Kenneth's hand, and you Kenneth grab onto Stanley's.

[The boys do so. Pip walks into the quicksand and Kyle manages to grab the stick.]

PIP: Pull, gents! PULL!

[Stan, Kenny and Cartman pull Pip and Kyle out of the quicksand.]

KYLE: Dude, thanks guys.

PIP: Quite all right. You chaps would have done the same for me.

CARTMAN: Uhh, yeah.

PIP: Come along you gents, let's get going.

[They continue off again.]

[Later, it's now night time and the group is still walking.]

[Pip opens his backpack and takes out a flashlight and switches it on.]

CARTMAN (whining): I wanna go home!

KENNY: {Stop crying for your mommy, fat boy.}

CARTMAN: Mommy! I want my mommy!

KENNY: {-To suck your dick!}

CARTMAN: AY!

PIP: Kenneth! Eric! We haven't got time for this!

CARTMAN: But he said-

PIP: I don't give a pig's bum what he said!

[They keep on walking.]

STAN: Clyde?! Clyde where are you?!

CARTMAN: Clyde! Kyle just fucked Bebe!

KYLE: No, I didn't!

PIP: You wish upon your lucky stars you did, Kyle.

KYLE: Shut up, Pip.

PIP: No way! (singing loudly) Kyle wants to fuck Bebe! Kyle wants to fuck Bebe!

STAN: What got up your ass this morning, Pip? You're acting very different.

PIP: Well I've decided not to take no more shit from you wankers any more. Get used to it.

KENNY: {Oh.}

[Meanwhile wherever Clyde is now. He's fallen down a ravine. His ankle is broken, too.]

CLYDE: Where in the hell could that search party be? I don't know dude, how the hell am I supposed to know!? What do I look like? A fucking psychic?!

[Back to where the guys are.]

ALL: (screaming) Clyde! Clyde!

CARTMAN: Come out come out wherever you are!

KENNY: {Think he's dead?}

[There is a pause.]

STAN: No, that's your job.

KENNY: {Ay, fuck you.}

[They keep on going until they reach the ravine. Cartman looks down.]

CARTMAN: Heellllooooo????

CLYDE: Hello?

ALL: CLYDE!

CLYDE: Guys! Who's up there?

CARTMAN: Me, Pip, Stan, Kyle, oh yeah, and Kenny too.

CLYDE: 'Bout time you guys got here!

CARTMAN: AY! Don't be like that, or we'll leave you down there!

CLYDE: Sorry.

KYLE: You okay, dude?

CLYDE: No, I've broken my ankle!

PIP: Lucky thing I've got rope.

[Pip opens his backpack and takes out a extremely large rope.]

CARTMAN: What else ya got in there? A cell phone?

PIP: Oh, good thinking, Eric.

[Pip gets out a real cell phone and dials, he listens.]

PIP: Oh yes, this is search party Pip along with Scamps. We have located Clyde. We are due south at 9 degrees. Bring a medic, Clyde's broken his ankle. Over and out.

[Pip hangs up. The others stare at him.]

PIP: What?

CARTMAN: You couldn't have done that sooner, could you? We could have ordered pizza!

STAN: Dude! Remember Clyde?

CLYDE: Yeah! Remember me?

[Pip lowers the rope down the ravine. We suddenly see a pair of glowing eyes in the woods. A low growl is heard.]

CARTMAN: What was that?

KYLE: What was what?

[Growl again.]

CARTMAN: That.

[Suddenly a huge wolf jumps out of the woods.]

PIP: Oh, fucking hell! You guys keep him busy, Clyde's almost up.

[The boys just stand there looking at the wolf in the eyes, what you're not supposed to do. The wolf jumps at them, and attacks Kenny.]

KENNY: {Ow! OW! OH YOU FUCK-}

[Muffled cries from this point on.]

STAN: Oh, my God! He's killing Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

[Cartman opens up his own bag and holds out a pork chop (?!) and waggles it at the wolf.]

CARTMAN: Here wolfie, here wolfie,

[The wolf drops Kenny, (who's magically still alive) and wonders over to Cartman. Cartman edges further to the side of the ravine.]

CARTMAN: Wolfie, wolfie, go get it! Go get it!

[Cartman throws the pork chop off the side, the wolf follows and falls to its death.]

CARTMAN: HA!

KYLE: Cartman, why did you have a pork chop in your bag?

CARTMAN: In case we got lost an almost turn to cannibalism, you never know with our town.

[Pip pulls Clyde up. Clyde looks pretty bad, two days at the bottom of a hole, you'd look bad too.]

CLYDE: Thanks, dudes.

STAN: Don't worry about it.

[Then, we hear a chopper sound coming up over the trees, it comes up and lands on Kenny.]

STAN: Oh, my God! THEY killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastards!

[Medic come out, and the guys get on the chopper.]

CARTMAN: I always wanted to ride in one of these.

KYLE: Yeah.

[The chopper takes off, killing a bird with it's propeller in the meantime.]

[Town Hall the next day. Mayor McDaniels is there, so is the media, oh yeah, and the town people.]

MCDANIELS: It is with great pride and honor, that I present these awards of consistent bravery to Phillip Pirrip, Eric T. Cartman, Kyle Broslovski and Stanley Marsh!

[Cheers and hoots from the crowd. The guys go on stage. Their medals are pinned on them.]

CARTMAN: Ow! That hurt you son of a bitch!

[END]